L'ennui...

     I need to keep reminding myself of this.  I need it hanging over my desk, written on the inside of every notebook, tucked inside each textbook chapter I need to read.
     My biggest problem is that if I don't want to do something, if I'm not interested in it, it's extraordinarily hard to actually get myself to do it.  I'll spend ten minutes staring off into space thinking about how I don't want to write a paper that's due tomorrow.  I can't seem to realize that whether I want to or not, it doesn't change the fact that the paper is still due.  Argh.
     I have a huge pile of coursework that I need to do, but I literally cannot move.  Maybe I'm overwhelmed.  Maybe I don't know where to start.  Maybe I'm insecure.  In addition to lazy, I'm also the type of student that assumes she will be in the bottom of the classlist when it comes to grades or work quality.  The thing is, I'm not.  Ever.  Maybe I'm actually secretly very arrogant about my work quality that it makes me feel like I can shirk responsibility until the very last second because I know it will still be good. 
     Maybe I should just go write that goddamn paper.

The Charge of Neglect

     And, yes, I'm guilty.  I've been neglecting this blog.  I don't even remember when I last posted, mainly because I'm too lazy to look.  School started a few weeks ago, and I'm not even in the mood for it.  Every class is a struggle, every homework assignment a chore.  And I was neglecting this blog even before that.  So, I'm going to start maybe doing this as some sort of online diary.  Not that anyone reads it, which is fine.  It's more the act of getting my thoughts out of my own head, where they simply drive me fucking crazy with the going in circles. 
     As for school, a friend recently suggested I start looking at mini-achievements, rather than at the whole, big, what-am-I-even-going-back-to-school-for picture.  Okay.  I can do that.  Mini-achievement for the day: am registered and confirmed for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test in December.  This is essentially the global standard of Japanese proficiency testing, and luckily for me (and unluckily for the rest of the saps in the Midwest who have to drive here), my school is a host.  I'm a bit nervous, but I have to keep telling myself that I'll manage.  "I'll manage," I say to myself, at home, on the train, in class, wherever. 
     As for this blog, well, I'll do the best I can here, too.

Official

     Today was a big day.  After (doing potentially poorly on) my Japanese final, I met Luckie for lunch at one of my favorite places.  That's not the big part- it's just a good part.  Anyway, the big part is that I applied for my very first passport today.  I'm very excited.  Really very excited.  Super duper excited, one could say.

     What's the big deal?, you're thinking.  It's just another form of identification, something else to worry about having on trips.  And if you are actually thinking that, you, sir, are wrong wrong wrong.  It isn't 'just another' anything.  It's my official key, telling me the entire world is open to me now (or very nearly anyway, with the exceptions of places like North Korea and Cuba and wherehaveyou, but that's not the point).  Anywhere I want, there I can go. 

     That's a pretty big realization to a girl who grew up living with her brother and single mother in a 600-square foot, 2 bedroom, tract house in a shitty neighborhood next to the airport.  I used to watch the planes taking off and wonder where they were going; I'd occasionally start to cry, thinking I'd never get to go wherever that was.  Then I grew up a bit and discovered I'm pretty good at picking up languages.  The truth is that I never seriously thought I'd get a chance to go anywhere to use them.  I've traveled a bit in the States and met people from many cultures, but a Japanese supermarket in Chicago is a very far cry from a Japanese supermarket in Japan.  My passport says that I can essentially spin a globe, point to a colored blob, and make plans; my passport is instant permission to go there.  Yes, I know all about visas and things, but visas mean nothing if you don't have the passport letting you get out of the country.

     Now, I've got a trip to Germany in June.  Then I just may spin a globe and plan.