Okay, this blog is done. I've moved on. I'm with WordPress now. Check it out over there. Still a work in progress but will soon knock off socks.
thehandmedownlife.wordpress.com
See you there!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, October 24, 2011
L'ennui...
My biggest problem is that if I don't want to do something, if I'm not interested in it, it's extraordinarily hard to actually get myself to do it. I'll spend ten minutes staring off into space thinking about how I don't want to write a paper that's due tomorrow. I can't seem to realize that whether I want to or not, it doesn't change the fact that the paper is still due. Argh.
I have a huge pile of coursework that I need to do, but I literally cannot move. Maybe I'm overwhelmed. Maybe I don't know where to start. Maybe I'm insecure. In addition to lazy, I'm also the type of student that assumes she will be in the bottom of the classlist when it comes to grades or work quality. The thing is, I'm not. Ever. Maybe I'm actually secretly very arrogant about my work quality that it makes me feel like I can shirk responsibility until the very last second because I know it will still be good.
Maybe I should just go write that goddamn paper.
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Charge of Neglect
And, yes, I'm guilty. I've been neglecting this blog. I don't even remember when I last posted, mainly because I'm too lazy to look. School started a few weeks ago, and I'm not even in the mood for it. Every class is a struggle, every homework assignment a chore. And I was neglecting this blog even before that. So, I'm going to start maybe doing this as some sort of online diary. Not that anyone reads it, which is fine. It's more the act of getting my thoughts out of my own head, where they simply drive me fucking crazy with the going in circles.
As for school, a friend recently suggested I start looking at mini-achievements, rather than at the whole, big, what-am-I-even-going-back-to-school-for picture. Okay. I can do that. Mini-achievement for the day: am registered and confirmed for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test in December. This is essentially the global standard of Japanese proficiency testing, and luckily for me (and unluckily for the rest of the saps in the Midwest who have to drive here), my school is a host. I'm a bit nervous, but I have to keep telling myself that I'll manage. "I'll manage," I say to myself, at home, on the train, in class, wherever.
As for this blog, well, I'll do the best I can here, too.
As for school, a friend recently suggested I start looking at mini-achievements, rather than at the whole, big, what-am-I-even-going-back-to-school-for picture. Okay. I can do that. Mini-achievement for the day: am registered and confirmed for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test in December. This is essentially the global standard of Japanese proficiency testing, and luckily for me (and unluckily for the rest of the saps in the Midwest who have to drive here), my school is a host. I'm a bit nervous, but I have to keep telling myself that I'll manage. "I'll manage," I say to myself, at home, on the train, in class, wherever.
As for this blog, well, I'll do the best I can here, too.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Official
Today was a big day. After (doing potentially poorly on) my Japanese final, I met Luckie for lunch at one of my favorite places. That's not the big part- it's just a good part. Anyway, the big part is that I applied for my very first passport today. I'm very excited. Really very excited. Super duper excited, one could say.
What's the big deal?, you're thinking. It's just another form of identification, something else to worry about having on trips. And if you are actually thinking that, you, sir, are wrong wrong wrong. It isn't 'just another' anything. It's my official key, telling me the entire world is open to me now (or very nearly anyway, with the exceptions of places like North Korea and Cuba and wherehaveyou, but that's not the point). Anywhere I want, there I can go.
That's a pretty big realization to a girl who grew up living with her brother and single mother in a 600-square foot, 2 bedroom, tract house in a shitty neighborhood next to the airport. I used to watch the planes taking off and wonder where they were going; I'd occasionally start to cry, thinking I'd never get to go wherever that was. Then I grew up a bit and discovered I'm pretty good at picking up languages. The truth is that I never seriously thought I'd get a chance to go anywhere to use them. I've traveled a bit in the States and met people from many cultures, but a Japanese supermarket in Chicago is a very far cry from a Japanese supermarket in Japan. My passport says that I can essentially spin a globe, point to a colored blob, and make plans; my passport is instant permission to go there. Yes, I know all about visas and things, but visas mean nothing if you don't have the passport letting you get out of the country.
Now, I've got a trip to Germany in June. Then I just may spin a globe and plan.
What's the big deal?, you're thinking. It's just another form of identification, something else to worry about having on trips. And if you are actually thinking that, you, sir, are wrong wrong wrong. It isn't 'just another' anything. It's my official key, telling me the entire world is open to me now (or very nearly anyway, with the exceptions of places like North Korea and Cuba and wherehaveyou, but that's not the point). Anywhere I want, there I can go.
That's a pretty big realization to a girl who grew up living with her brother and single mother in a 600-square foot, 2 bedroom, tract house in a shitty neighborhood next to the airport. I used to watch the planes taking off and wonder where they were going; I'd occasionally start to cry, thinking I'd never get to go wherever that was. Then I grew up a bit and discovered I'm pretty good at picking up languages. The truth is that I never seriously thought I'd get a chance to go anywhere to use them. I've traveled a bit in the States and met people from many cultures, but a Japanese supermarket in Chicago is a very far cry from a Japanese supermarket in Japan. My passport says that I can essentially spin a globe, point to a colored blob, and make plans; my passport is instant permission to go there. Yes, I know all about visas and things, but visas mean nothing if you don't have the passport letting you get out of the country.
Now, I've got a trip to Germany in June. Then I just may spin a globe and plan.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Breaking Up is Hard to Do. Or Not.
I broke up with a friend last night.
Yesterday, I heard from a couple of mutual friends that he had a party Friday night. I was confused, so I went through my texts and Facebook messages, thinking I'd simply missed the invite somehow. It turns out that I didn't; I simply wasn't invited. This person was not someone I would have expected that from- inviting all of his friends and simply skipping me. I texted him, "Did you have a party last night?" He answers, "Yeah." "Oh," I say. "I see. Okay, then." (What do you even say to this sort of thing?) He then tells me that he just felt weird about asking me since 'we haven't hung out in a month'. Really? Really? Let me give you a general run-down of my last thirty days: 4 research papers, 1 group project, 4 sets of finals, all the homework and studying that goes along with attending a full-time four-year university, meeting Boyfriend's parents, nearly quitting the Terrible Job, working strange hours at the Okay Job, working 50 hours per week at both Jobs combined, and still trying to find some time for things like sleep and showering.
So, no, we haven't seen each other in a month, but we have spoken on the phone at least once a week during that time, along with countless texts and emails. Clearly I was unaware that you have to physically see someone in order to be friends with them. If that is the case, I have absolutely no friends save Boyfriend and Luckie. I did a little bit more prying, and it turns out that this all stems from me canceling a dinner with him due to a looming deadline for one of the aforementioned research papers. That's right. I canceled. One. Dinner. AND I distinctly remember at the time giving him several other time options that I would be able to make just as soon as I turned that paper in. I must have simply forgotten to grovel at his feet. (And in the interests of full disclosure, I have to tell you here that I've canceled on lots of people, including Boyfriend, during this quarter of school. I'm still trying to find ways to manage everything, get into the swing of it, make everything balance. It's pretty tricky.)
Until early this afternoon, I was still pretty stung by this invitation betrayal. Then I suddenly saw things very clearly. The last many times I've seen him, I've been bored. I've had nothing to say. I didn't think anything he said was interesting. Everything had become small talk; I was simply friends with him out of habit. I realized today that I've outgrown him. I've also decided that this is okay. About a year ago, a woman in a book group I was trying out said something about seasonal friends- friends who come into your life for whatever reason, stay for a season or two, then gradually fade away. This has stuck with me, and I realized that this is exactly what she meant by that. He was simply a seasonal friend: I met him just around this time I moved here, he was pretty helpful in getting me used to the city and answering questions, we had some common interests at the time, it was good. Now, our interests are pretty divergent, which can make conversation hard. Our senses of humor are different. He is happy with the sort of life he has, while I strive every day for something better. He is the sort of person who would hold going back to school for her degree against a girl. He's the only friend I know that wasn't able to forgive me my cancellation or accept and understand why I needed to do it.
Our conversation didn't end well last night, and I've decided to leave it as it lies. I don't feel any need to save the friendship here; I'm past it. I don't have any ill will towards him, and I wish him the best. I simply just need to move on to people who make sense in my life as I'm living it now. Here's to new seasonal friends and to some old lifetime ones.
Yesterday, I heard from a couple of mutual friends that he had a party Friday night. I was confused, so I went through my texts and Facebook messages, thinking I'd simply missed the invite somehow. It turns out that I didn't; I simply wasn't invited. This person was not someone I would have expected that from- inviting all of his friends and simply skipping me. I texted him, "Did you have a party last night?" He answers, "Yeah." "Oh," I say. "I see. Okay, then." (What do you even say to this sort of thing?) He then tells me that he just felt weird about asking me since 'we haven't hung out in a month'. Really? Really? Let me give you a general run-down of my last thirty days: 4 research papers, 1 group project, 4 sets of finals, all the homework and studying that goes along with attending a full-time four-year university, meeting Boyfriend's parents, nearly quitting the Terrible Job, working strange hours at the Okay Job, working 50 hours per week at both Jobs combined, and still trying to find some time for things like sleep and showering.
So, no, we haven't seen each other in a month, but we have spoken on the phone at least once a week during that time, along with countless texts and emails. Clearly I was unaware that you have to physically see someone in order to be friends with them. If that is the case, I have absolutely no friends save Boyfriend and Luckie. I did a little bit more prying, and it turns out that this all stems from me canceling a dinner with him due to a looming deadline for one of the aforementioned research papers. That's right. I canceled. One. Dinner. AND I distinctly remember at the time giving him several other time options that I would be able to make just as soon as I turned that paper in. I must have simply forgotten to grovel at his feet. (And in the interests of full disclosure, I have to tell you here that I've canceled on lots of people, including Boyfriend, during this quarter of school. I'm still trying to find ways to manage everything, get into the swing of it, make everything balance. It's pretty tricky.)
Until early this afternoon, I was still pretty stung by this invitation betrayal. Then I suddenly saw things very clearly. The last many times I've seen him, I've been bored. I've had nothing to say. I didn't think anything he said was interesting. Everything had become small talk; I was simply friends with him out of habit. I realized today that I've outgrown him. I've also decided that this is okay. About a year ago, a woman in a book group I was trying out said something about seasonal friends- friends who come into your life for whatever reason, stay for a season or two, then gradually fade away. This has stuck with me, and I realized that this is exactly what she meant by that. He was simply a seasonal friend: I met him just around this time I moved here, he was pretty helpful in getting me used to the city and answering questions, we had some common interests at the time, it was good. Now, our interests are pretty divergent, which can make conversation hard. Our senses of humor are different. He is happy with the sort of life he has, while I strive every day for something better. He is the sort of person who would hold going back to school for her degree against a girl. He's the only friend I know that wasn't able to forgive me my cancellation or accept and understand why I needed to do it.
Our conversation didn't end well last night, and I've decided to leave it as it lies. I don't feel any need to save the friendship here; I'm past it. I don't have any ill will towards him, and I wish him the best. I simply just need to move on to people who make sense in my life as I'm living it now. Here's to new seasonal friends and to some old lifetime ones.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thanksgiving
This year, I spent Thanksgiving in Waterford, Wisconsin - Population 5,016. This was to be the dreaded Meeting of the Parents. I met this boy approximately 4 months ago on OKCupid. We officially met on our first date just over 3 months ago. Since then, we've fallen in love and everything has been nerdy, geeky awesomeness. However, with neither one of us being originally from Chicago and my stupidly stupid work schedule, the only time meeting families can happen is during the holidays. Stressful? Yes.
So I agreed to go to Wisconsin. For four days. After just finishing finals at school. I was kind of freaking out. Boyfriend was incredibly supportive in dealing with my large amount of "green-sweater-or-blue-sweater-oh-god-what-if-they-don't-like-me" texts. He patiently answered every single one of my approximately 500 questions. He even assured me that if for some illogical and completely unknown reason they didn't like me, he would still totally keep me. There are many reasons I love this boy.
We were to leave on the 6:30 train to Kenosha on Wednesday evening. Wednesday morning dawns bright and early. I awaken; I stretch; I cough up a lung. That's right- I was sick. Super sick. Sore throat, cough, achy body, runny nose, the whole fucking deal. I nearly OD'd on DayQuil just to make it through working at the Terrible Job. Could the day have gotten any worse? Could my stress level been any higher?
No, actually, and I didn't have to worry about it. We arrived in Waterford just fine. His parents are lovely people. His aunt is really sweet (and currently lives in my hometown, so we had something to talk about). His grandparents are darlings. And best of all, they like me. Really. I felt like Sally Fields. The tiny town even has a super cute used book store. In fact, aside from one terrible coughing fit that actually made me throw up in a parking lot (witnessed by no one other than the worried Boyfriend), the trip was a success. I feel silly for having worried so much.
The whole situation made me think. In high school, we think nothing of meeting our boyfriends' parents. They live there, or they're the drivers to and from events. It's nothing. In college, it becomes sort of scary, but very few consider that it will go badly. Only as adults do we place so much emphasis on it. We stress. We become highly critical of ourselves. We imagine the parents judging our every single word and gesture. It's ridiculous.
However, I think Boyfriend is a little relieved he doesn't have to actually meet my parents. He does have to meet everyone else. :)
That is a Pharmacy Station. Gasoline + pharmaceuticals = WIN!
So I agreed to go to Wisconsin. For four days. After just finishing finals at school. I was kind of freaking out. Boyfriend was incredibly supportive in dealing with my large amount of "green-sweater-or-blue-sweater-oh-god-what-if-they-don't-like-me" texts. He patiently answered every single one of my approximately 500 questions. He even assured me that if for some illogical and completely unknown reason they didn't like me, he would still totally keep me. There are many reasons I love this boy.
We were to leave on the 6:30 train to Kenosha on Wednesday evening. Wednesday morning dawns bright and early. I awaken; I stretch; I cough up a lung. That's right- I was sick. Super sick. Sore throat, cough, achy body, runny nose, the whole fucking deal. I nearly OD'd on DayQuil just to make it through working at the Terrible Job. Could the day have gotten any worse? Could my stress level been any higher?
No, actually, and I didn't have to worry about it. We arrived in Waterford just fine. His parents are lovely people. His aunt is really sweet (and currently lives in my hometown, so we had something to talk about). His grandparents are darlings. And best of all, they like me. Really. I felt like Sally Fields. The tiny town even has a super cute used book store. In fact, aside from one terrible coughing fit that actually made me throw up in a parking lot (witnessed by no one other than the worried Boyfriend), the trip was a success. I feel silly for having worried so much.
The whole situation made me think. In high school, we think nothing of meeting our boyfriends' parents. They live there, or they're the drivers to and from events. It's nothing. In college, it becomes sort of scary, but very few consider that it will go badly. Only as adults do we place so much emphasis on it. We stress. We become highly critical of ourselves. We imagine the parents judging our every single word and gesture. It's ridiculous.
However, I think Boyfriend is a little relieved he doesn't have to actually meet my parents. He does have to meet everyone else. :)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Alterations
I've lived my whole life this way, in these fits and starts. Sometimes I get lost too long in the stagnancy, but that usually only results in a bigger leap when I get moving. Almost like I'm overcompensating. And here I go again. I've started the beginning phases of some things that- hopefully- will make my life a hell of a lot more fun in the long run. Yes, these baby steps totally suck at the moment. Wait, that's not fair. They don't all suck. In fact, some of them feel pretty adventurous.
The first baby step was, indeed, sucky. I gave up my cat. Yes, the cat that I so gushingly go on about a couple of posts before this one. I love her. I miss her. But I was a bad mommy. My work schedule kept getting worse and worse, and no matter how much time I gave Lola it wasn't enough. I didn't have enough. It would have been mean and selfish to keep her. So I gave her up to someone that I greatly trust (when it comes to cats, anyway) and she's happy as a clam. She loves it there. I'm sad she had to move again and get used to a new place, but I had to do what's best for her.
Baby Step #2: I'm giving up my apartment. I've found a roommate, and we're looking for a place at the moment. I want to live somewhere cheaper because of the next step.
The third step- wait, no. This one is a giant baby running jump. I'm going back to school. Or hoping to, anyway. I'm really nervous they won't accept me and I'll have to do a city college for a year before I try again. And it's really not a great time to go back and work less and pay assloads of money. But. There will never be a great time. I'm doing it now. I'm tired of waiting. I am one of those geeks who really REALLY loves going to school. I would be a professional student if they never expected repayment of the damn student loans. So I'm doing it. I'll have to cut back on everything that makes life worth living, but what the hell.
Is it pathetic that I'm ridiculously excited about buying a new backpack?
The first baby step was, indeed, sucky. I gave up my cat. Yes, the cat that I so gushingly go on about a couple of posts before this one. I love her. I miss her. But I was a bad mommy. My work schedule kept getting worse and worse, and no matter how much time I gave Lola it wasn't enough. I didn't have enough. It would have been mean and selfish to keep her. So I gave her up to someone that I greatly trust (when it comes to cats, anyway) and she's happy as a clam. She loves it there. I'm sad she had to move again and get used to a new place, but I had to do what's best for her.
Baby Step #2: I'm giving up my apartment. I've found a roommate, and we're looking for a place at the moment. I want to live somewhere cheaper because of the next step.
The third step- wait, no. This one is a giant baby running jump. I'm going back to school. Or hoping to, anyway. I'm really nervous they won't accept me and I'll have to do a city college for a year before I try again. And it's really not a great time to go back and work less and pay assloads of money. But. There will never be a great time. I'm doing it now. I'm tired of waiting. I am one of those geeks who really REALLY loves going to school. I would be a professional student if they never expected repayment of the damn student loans. So I'm doing it. I'll have to cut back on everything that makes life worth living, but what the hell.
Is it pathetic that I'm ridiculously excited about buying a new backpack?
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